Weaning Thoughts...

Jovann will be 15 months in 9 days time....oh my, how time flies.....I wish I can grab time, replay so many lovely scenes and memories so I an enjoy them slowly.... time flies too fast when you have a child growing up so fast in front of your eyes...

I have not been posting for some time....as I suffering from weaning withdrawal sympthoms.... :( Yes, Jovann is finally weaned off breastfeeding....my last latch was on the morning of 5 Dec... how do I feel now? if I am not thinking about it, I feel fairly okie. But at times like now, when I am blogging about it, I feel so down and sad...I feel like I just lost something....sigh....

I know other breastfeeding mommies will understand...esp mommies who breastfeed past 1 yr...because at 1 yr, our babies are so much more responsive than when they were tiny and helpless at 3 mths....and nursing is so much more rewarding at 1 yr old...because they communicate with you through the look in their eyes when you are nursing. and weaning him off, though a much easier process technically than I had expected, was hard emotionally. very very hard. harder for me than for him, like what many experts has warned.

How did I do it? I had thought I will have a problem on my hands, because Jovann nursed to sleep and he cries if I don't nurse him. If daddy takes over with a bottle of EBM, he will cry pitifully for me until I take over, and then he won't want the bottle, he will want to latch. Once he latch on, he will gaze at me with trusting eyes, gazing and gazing until his eyelids grow heavy with sleep. 9 times out of 10, he will fall asleep that way.

Its a lovely way to fall asleep for a baby, and i secretly relish the knowledge that I am the only one who provides such comfort to him enough for him to enter dreamland contented and happy. But I know, its not the right way to fall asleep. So the night feed is the first one that we tried to wean off instead of the morning feed. of course, by this time, his day feeds are already through bottle. Jovann rejects FM. he will gag and puke out FM when we try. so we tried mixing with EBM, which I know is not good, but the PD also agree its better than nothing. Then one day, i decided to try dilution instead. By now, I already down to 3 pumps a day. only once during work.

The day before I tried, I spoke to him during nursing. shared with him my feelings on weaning him off, and reassuring him that I will not love him any less just because of this, and that I will love him more and more each day, that Mommy is tired..and needs to stop breastfeeding....

Amazingly, miraculously, the next night, he took the diluted FM without fuss!! I think its the mild taste that makes him accept it coz its close to EBM taste. or it could be the talking to him the night before. Or it could be its the right time. But that night was the turning point. I felt both relieved yet sad. A good friend shares the same feeling with me because she weaning off at the same time. A part of you feels relieved that you dun have to pump and wash and sterilise pumps any more, the other part of you feels lost because the unique and close link between you and your baby forged further through breastfeeding is different now. and will always be different. Yes, mothers are always bonded with their child....but the breastfeeding bond is different and special, its indescribably sweet, poignant, generous, mutually needful, without boundaries...

As it goes....I started dropping work pump altogether. Then the morning pump. and eventually the night pump. And on 5 Dec morning, I nursed him for the last time because he tugged at my blouse when he woke up in the morning.... I cried 2 mornings ago.....but on the 5 Dec it was a bit better, because I have cried it out and come to terms with it. Joanne, I know you will understand....

I am going to wash my nursing bib and pack it away for now.... I am keeping my pump somewhere safe... and I will not need nursing tea for some time now....no more locking meeting room doors, pasting envelopes to cover up the window....no more going around with a fridge-to-go....and the mini fridge in my office will be moved to hubby's new office soon....

what a turning point in my journey of motherhood......