Why the long absence

What's the reason for my absence? It’s been 2mths since my last post. I figured I better get my butt moving else Jov and Jaz would be teenagers and I would have forgotten their precious baby years and my fingers would be stiff with arthritis and can’t type.

The longer one “abstain” from blogging and instead spent those nights reading books OR making their kids sleep, many times dozing away with them in my work clothes, OR watching re-runs of FRIENDS with hubby while pumping (or munching Caramel Corns or icecream), the harder it is to restart one’s engines. I contented myself with scribbling and making notes of their development milestones and new quirks in my notebook and handphone in the meanwhile.

(Note: the 6 posts before these, after "Starting Solids" were post-dated)

Why the absence?

***My 200GB external harddisk is full. Yes. 200GB. F-U-L-L. I think that’s to be expected from an over zealous mom with 2 cameras at home with 2 kids to boot. So, I couldn’t organize any more photos, couldn’t edit them thus couldn’t blog, until I get my new 640GB HDD. Hahaha. And hey, now the new HDD is here, sleek and black with piano finish. Swanky…..

***I completed reading the entire series of the riveting and exhilarating vampire series by Stephenie Meyers. It got me hooked. I know, I am no longer a teenager and I have 2 kids and a piece of flab I used to call my tummy. But I am still a female right? Much as I disliked that heroine in the book when she’s human, the story line got me reading the 4 books during breakfast, lunch, dinner, on the bus, on the taxi, in the toilet, once even when nursing Jaz (hubby threw me a contemptuous look), during my lunch hour at work whether I dine in or out, during my pumping in the office and at home. And boy, was the ending worth it.

***The passing of my dear maternal grandmother. She was 79. I am mentioning this here because I want Jovann and Jazreel to remember her as I remember her. She, whom has been asking my mother 4 yrs ago whether I am pregnant yet, were not even aware that she has 3 great grandchildren before she passed away on 26 May 09. 3 yrs 11months ago, she was still an energetic old lady. Though 76, she takes public transport by herself from Redhill to BP to deliver goodies to me and my mother, eldest of her 7 children (6 daughters and 1 son). It could be something we have mentioned we like, or some little purse or clothing that she happened to acquire recently.

She nagged, she scolded, she mistrusted people. But she has a heart of gold. How else could you explain how a woman would singlehandedly (my grandfather is not the fatherly type) bring up 7 kids, only 1 of them her own flesh and blood? 2 of these kids are adopted, and the other 4 are fathered by my grandfather. No complains that I can hear of, no discrimination that I can see, just simple love and care for all 7, and all their children, her grandchildren. I admire her resilience, her enthusiastic attitude in life. She didn’t receive education, but one doesn’t need education to teach others how to love.

Then, the hours of panic and frantic searching 3yrs 11mths ago when she went missing. The eventual find at the scene of an attempted robbery gone wrong and violent. She was bedridden since then, no awareness of her loved ones, no recognition in her eyes, no speech. For 3 yrs 11mths. She didn’t even know I was pregnant with Jovann half a year later, didn’t know that the great grandchildren she has been waiting for are now born. Not 1, but 3 (2 boys 1 girl).

Jov and Jaz will never see her travelling from Redhill to BP delivering goodies, never taste her CNY steamboat which has been my favourite event every CNY for years of my life, never see her bustling around making sure all of us have enough of our favourite ingredients, making sure the soup is full. Simple love but so warm and true and many times just taken for granted. I trust my kids will be old enough to handle this reality by the time they can understand this blog. I just want them to know they have 2 great grandmothers who would have loved them had they known their existence.

My paternal grandmother has passed away many years ago, but I still remember her vividly as the grandmother who brought me up when I was a baby and toddler, before my mom stopped work. I remembered how, even in my sec and JC days, I will go to her house to stay nights, and she will zealously go market to buy my favourite foods to cook all 3 meals for me. I remember how I crave her home cooked simple and nutritious teochew dishes, how we shared the same tastes, how I persuade my dad to cook the same way.

I definitely also remember how she cooked dried noodles every day for my breakfast, using instant noodles but her own concocted sauce that got me salivating at 1st whiff. How we sat at the ledge between her kitchen and living room and I taught her how to fold hearts and cranes from bus tickets and papers. How I gazed intently when she wrapped her homemade cigarettes, how she fan herself with her rattan fan when the weather’s hot, how we settle down on the sofa to watch TV together. Remember her disappointed eyes when I said I am going back home the next day. Worst, I will always feel indebted and guilty towards her, for not spending more time with her when she’s around.

I hope Jovann and Jazreel will grow up to be children and adults who will not take their loved ones for granted when these loved ones are alive, and be respectful, loving and filial. May they be true to their hearts, and do nothing that would leave them a lifetime of regret when someone leaves them. I hope my children will live rich and fulfilling lives and emulate the very qualities they want my grandchildren to have.